In a previous post, I have shared with you about a friend who got married too early in life and went through a lot of misfortune in life.
I have another issue that I would like to share with you. One of my close friends went through a lot of abuse in a marital relation too and I’m going to tell you about it over here.
I’m talking about a family of four in New Delhi. Middle Class folks. Mother, Father, two daughters.
The elder daughter is now aged 31 or thereabouts and got married about three years ago. Her’s was an arranged marriage.
The younger daughter used to work in some private firm, met a guy there and got married to him and she is currently doing well in her marriage. She lives with her husband in a rented apartment, minus the in laws, I must add.
But I’m going to talk to you here about the elder daughter. Now in an Indian society, folks with one daughter usually go crazy when their daughters are about 24, and this here is a family wherein the elder daughter was already touching 27 and no where close to marriage.
Thankfully, the mother was a little sensible, and she pushed both her daughters to education and careers and both the daughters had reasonably decent jobs and some money in the bank too.
But nevertheless, she was an Indian mother, and every day when the poor woman would go out of the house to buy groceries, the neighbors would question her when would she get her two daughters married?
Not one, but two.
India, as we know it, is not a favorable country for folks with two daughters. My advice to you would be if you have two daughters to immigrate to another country where the neighbors all have careers, especially the old retired nosy women. Pun intended.
So the poor mother would get ambushed by the neighbors and the relatives would call her in the middle of the afternoon asking her the daughters wedding dates.
This happens only in India, I must add.
Gah!
So one fine day the mother and father cave in, pick up the matrimonial column from the newspaper, and start to make phone calls as if the phone company gave them unlimited phone calls for life.
Thousands of phone calls and emails and meetings later, one guy emerges like the moon emerges from the sea.
Wait, did I say that right?
Wait, does it really matter a hoot?
Irrelevant.
So they chose one nice guy.
Nice decent fellow, family of two. Mother, and the son. Father was in the army and is now happily dead.
They live in their own house, registered in the name of the mother, this is an important fact to be kept in mind.
So the boy works in some private firm, and when questioned he confirmed he does not drink, does not smoke, does not eat non vegetarian food.
As if that would make him a nice guy.
So the marriage gets fixed and the courtship begins.
A little romance, some movies, some ice creams, a little hurried sex in the car and some dates later they get married.
During the dates, the guy does confirm from the girl how much she knows about sex, if she knows how to go down, and if she’s a virgin.
Blah, Blah.
So the marriage happens, and they go on some random honey moon somewhere.
And they come back.
And the fun begins.
Yeah!
So the mother in law, very clearly states, that the newly married couple should not sleep in the night with their bedroom door closed.
The bedroom door should be kept open all night long to make it easier for her to call out to them in the night in the need of emergency. God forbid the emergency, I would rather thank God to let such a woman die and call her to Him, but God prefers letting the idiots be on Earth.
So the bedroom door stays open, and then the mother in law complains why is the daughter in law not getting pregnant.
It is now the second or the third month of the marriage, and by now all girls who are fertile get pregnant.
She also adds very clearly, that in her time the newly married bride would get pregnant on the first night itself.
Ah, bliss, isn’t it?
So the taunting and the clashes begin.
All the gold that the girl brought from her house, is by now safely in the bank locker of the mother in law. The said locker is solely in her name with the son as a nominee.
Which very clearly tells you that the gold can only be removed from the said locker by the mother in law only.
The mother in law very clearly at many times states that the dowry the girl brought from her house is not enough.
According to her, she should have all of India with her as dowry.
Whatever.
So life goes on.
The newly wedded bride, is by now taking care of the entire house.
Cooking breakfast in the morning, cooking lunches for her and her husband, letting some lunch ready for the mother in law.
This done, she proceeds to clean house and do the laundry etc.
This done, she proceeds to the metro station to catch a train to work, or on some mornings her husband drives her to the station.
And life goes on.
The bedroom door continues to stay open all night.
The husband is caught drinking by the girl and when confronted he makes it very clear he cannot stop drinking because it is an office thing, and everyone in his workplace go out for a little drink after work to talk about important things in office.
He is also found to smoke as well.
As days pass, the boy starts to drink more, and even comes home at night drunk.
The mother in law of course refuses to accept for the first two years of the marriage that her son, pious as the first rain of November is an alcoholic.
The bedroom door still stays open. The gold is still in the locker.
One evening, the girl gets home late from work, and is not in time to prepare dinner before the husband comes home from work, and the mother in law comes home from her evening walk or visit to the market or wherever it is she goes to.
All hell breaks lose.
The poor girl has exactly five minutes left, in which to prepare dinner to avoid a fight.
And the mother in law comes home, sees nothing cooking on the gas and starts scolding the girl for being late.
The husband comes home drunk, gives one slap to his wife, and proceeds to watch television.
Finally, dinner is cooked, and the family eats and retires for the night.
Days pass, and the abuse continues.
The one slap turns in to a raging beating in some time.
The bedroom door stays open all through.
Finally one fine day, the girl gets pregnant, God only knows how she managed that with the bedroom door open, I know I couldn’t.
The mother in law states that it should be a son.
As if the girl has a choice in it.
So nine months pass, with one scary incident when the boy kicks the girl in her stomach when he comes home at night drunk.
Nine months later, Voila, it’s a girl.
Born with a hole in her heart.
15 days later, the baby daughter passes away.
The mother in law clearly states that she is pleased that the baby is no more because she was a girl.
And life goes on.
And one fine day, I happen to have some work in the neighborhood of the girl’s office, and I decide to pay a surprise visit to her office.
The guard tells me she is not there, and that she has not come to work for three day.
I call her, and she is crying on the phone, and tells me she cannot show her face to anyone, because her husband beat her up and she has marks on her face.
She tells me that ever since she got beat up by her husband, the mother in law wakes up early in the morning to get the milk from the milkman, lest the milkman should see the daughter in law with marks on her face.
So she has basically been hiding from the society for the past three days, and would continue to hide till her face is sparkling bright and factory fresh again.
I, bald that I am, get angry and tell her to make sure she gets the milk from the next day and allow the milkman and the neighbors to see her in that condition.
She does not do it however.
Just a suggestion!
So time goes on, and one thing leads to another, and one major fight later, the couple decide to move out into their own rented apartment.
And they move.
Now the girl gets up at 6 in the morning, cooks breakfast, does housework and is out of the house by 8:30 AM to catch her metro train to work etc.
Back only by 9:30 PM, because the rented apartment is in a cheap rent district and is further from her office. The boy merrily continues to drink and does not contribute at all in the new apartment.
The girl goes shopping and buys stuff for the house. A new Gas stove, a new TV, utensils, etc.etc.
And Voila, one day, she’s pregnant again!
And nine months later! It’s a girl!
Yeah!
So the mother in law has a fit, knowing that once again it’s a girl. She goes crazy and is now convinced that her daughter in law is a complete idiot, to be giving birth to daughters. She also resolves not to get any of her sons marry a girl who doesn’t have any brother.
Funny isn’t it?
So life goes on, and now problems arise with the baby.
The young couple is working, and who will take care of the baby while they are at work?
The mother in law calmly gets up and walks back to her own house, she’s old and sick and lonely, and she cannot take care of her own son’s daughter, can she now?
Well, has she been he, then maybe. But then he is not he, is he, he is she, so the mother in law goes away.
Now the girl gets up at 5 every morning, does housework, goes to her mother’s house in North Delhi, drops the baby off, goes to work, comes back at 8:30 PM, picks up the baby, goes to her own rented apartment, cooks, gets dinner ready, her drunk abusive husband comes home at 10:30 PM or so, serves the His Royal Highness his dinner, cleans up after him, and tries to clear the kitchen and be in bed by midnight.
And life goes on.
Some more beatings, some more marks on the face, some more leaves from work.
By now the entire office knows what’s happening, and what the leaves are really about.
One fine day, the boy decides he has had enough, and the girl is the real reason behind his misfortune and kicks her out.
The poor girl, does not understand if she should cry with sorrow or rejoice with joy, calmly walk to her mother’s house and starts to start life afresh over there.
Some months pass, the no news from the boy or his mother.
Now frantic, the mother calls the boy’s mother and somehow managed a truce.
The girl moves back in with the boy, and life begins anew.
One fine evening he beats her up again, and the girl’s father now fed up, calls the police.
The boy goes to jail, and the mother bails him out.
The couple try to live together again for a while, but it does not work somehow.
The girl moves back in to her parents house.
Diwali comes and the no news of the boy.
Frantic girl, now very sad attempts a truce with her husband on her own, and somehow moves back in.
Months later, the boy in a fit of drunk rage, picks up the 8 month old baby daughter and throws her onto the floor.
Lord have mercy, there happens to be a blanket on the floor, that somehow numbs the fall and the baby is alive.
He kicks the girl too. And the girl is bleeding again.
The girl, now very very angry, calls her father at 3AM in the morning, and the father enraged comes over with cousins and beats the boy up.
And that ladies and gentlemen, was the first and probably the only sensible thing the man did in his entire living life.
He beat him up.
Not beat up as nicely as probably I would have loved to, but nevertheless, he beats him up.
The cousins, big strong boys of 30 pick up the boy and hold him by his cuff, and slap his cheeks till they are bright blue.
Can you feel the delight in me while I type this part?
Beatings happily over, they call the police at 4:30 AM, and haul his ass to Jail.
Police cases and court dates continue even today.
The girl is now 31 or so, and the baby daughter is 16 months as of today.
The girl continues to live in her mother’s house, refuses to go the divorce way and refuses to re marry.
She’s traumatized for life.
There are a lot of other details I could tell you over here of the extent of the beatings, the drunk rages, the mother in laws cunning ways to somehow show her daughter in law in a poor light, but I think you girls get the general picture.
Please learn to say No.
Little things like keeping the bedroom door open are not to be taken lightly. Little things give the in laws courage to move on to bigger issues.
Encourage your parents to permit you to have a bank locker of your own before the actual wedding, and make it clear to the in laws that your gold would be in your locker. Be firm, yet polite.
One slap, at any time, is enough to start a world war.
Do not take the first hint of abuse lightly.
This here is a girl, who is educated, has her own career, and is working in a well known company in the heart of New Delhi.
Education and careers and jobs are very important, yes. But what is needed more than that in domestic abuse is the energy, the enthusiasm, and the courage to voice your selves.
Do not hesitate to show to the neighbors and the milkman and the grocery fellow, the marks on your face. They would help you some in the long run. Go with pride to your workplace the very next day and show everyone with pride your trophy.
Do not hide inside the house the first time you get one tiny mark on your face from that first slap.
Let the world know.
You do not have to take anything lightly lying down.
You married him.
You did not sign a contract to be his punching bag.
Be polite, be firm, but please say No.
Your Gold, is your’s.
If the in laws can be smart and take custody of the entire gold as their own, then it’s time for the girls to be smart too.
It’s not unheard of for couples these days to sign pre nuptial agreements, which very clearly list out the things, the jewelry, the cash that the girl is bringing over to her husbands house after the wedding, and which has to be returned back to the girl in the case of a falling out between the couple.
These little things, however harsh they might seem, actually go a long way in making life easier for the poor girl.
A girl child is not a burden.
Make sure your parents understand that from the very beginning.
If they don’t maybe, it’s time for you girls to plan your career ASAP and move out of your parents house.
Girls CAN insist on marrying boys who agree to moving in to another private rented or owned apartment a few days prior to the wedding.
Your wedding, your rights.
Say No at the very first hint.
You married him, you’re NOT his boxing practice bag.
Please voice out at the very first instance of marital abuse.
You, do not deserve this.
Bite me Harini. I've gone insane trying to explain this to her.If she doesn't want to be helped, what would I do?What would anyone do?
Most Indian senior women have been imbibed with the traditional Indian crappy values too. They in turn give it to their daughters and the daughters want to stick with the husbands no matter what happens. It's such a vicious circle that it makes me sick just thinking about it.Wonder if this will ever end in India.
Ritu, I agree with you 100%.I really do.
We need to make sure our daughters don't think that marrying a guy means marrying his family too. It's alright to some extent, but more than that it's just horse shit.
Call me an insensible,Irrational,ill tempered,whatever whatever kid, but Had I been there instead of your friend, I WOULD HAVE KICKED THE VODKA LIGHTS OUT OF THAT ASS OF A GUY! I MEAN WTF !??? WTFFFFFFF?!THANK YOU for putting this up, cause this VERY issue was pissing the jazz out of me for a while. And yes,I needed someone to write it soon cause I wasn't finding the time.Thanks,Ramit.Ily. <3BUT SHIT I'M SO GOD DAMN PISSED.I mean, really WHY do Indian women allow this god damn it? We all study about the constitution,the judiciary, the government, OUR POWER. Yet, in the time of application, WHY do we forget the basics of the books we read and re read so many times to get marks in our "Oh so important school exams" ? What's the POINT of reading all that when none of it is going "In" ? ! I'm sick of this. Really,I am. I don't know what to say anymore.The kind of disgust churning in me right now, i might just puke.Sick,really.But once again,thanks for putting this up.You're a sweetheart.
I totally agree.
Life has some very strange ways of putting us back in our places Nil. I"m not really sure why Indian women put up with this, but the anger I see in you makes me sure that you would not put up with it and would not subject your daughters to such inhuman lifestyles too.That would be a beginning. Make sure you think and re think your decisions very carefully when the time's right for you.God bless you.
T B G,Read all pending post. TAG was frank. On other 2 posts : I am fully with you about Domestic Violance issue. Every couple has some differences or the other but it does not give male or for that matter female to hit out physically. I have written number of posts on this subject. If you find time do read my post in 3 parts on married life which I wrote in Oct and Nov last year. Read part I first and then go on with the rest. There are number of such incidents, under the influence of liquor or otherwise, as quoted by you but do you say that there are NO HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES? You have painted a very black picture. I agree that girl or even her parents need to exercise caution but do you suggest that each boy is put through a microscopic test before marriage? Why don't you also talk of incidents where girls after marriage have broken up happily settled homes? These abrasions will be there not only in India but every country. But does it mean that we blow it out of proportions? We as educated and mature persons have to take a balanced view. There are some norms in society which need to be evaluated and changed with times. Before affecting such change we need to see that is it only for benefit of few or people in large. Also the change we wish to make, will we accept this from our offsprings too. Before it becomes too long, I will just add that girls have equal rights and they should NOT AT ALL accept Domestic Violance. First time itself they should take stand and have it resolved. But at the same time they too need to look into themselves as to what is their contribution for success of marriage.Take care
Jack, Women who break up nice happy homes with their greed is not unheard of. It was prevalent in the Ramayana too. I agree with you, but that's another topic altogether. Thanks for your comments.
I also agree. The best situation would be when marriage was seen as an option, not the sole goal.
Thanks for your wishes Sakshi. I also hope that she will come out of her trauma soon. But it's embedded so deep that it will take a lot of strong will and courage on her part to come out of it.Men know that it's their fault if the baby is a girl, someone needs to explain to the boy's mothers.
Thank you Ana. Good luck to you that you make the correct well informed decision.
Thank you.
Thank you sweet little sister. Good luck to you too. Thanks for the new car wishes.
It hurts really bad to be on the other side of the phone CN. All I could do is listen to her cry silent tears, and I knew I would probably never be able to make it better for her or for anyone else in such a situation. Good luck CN.
Such stories are indeed being repeated a lot of places a lot of times. I wish there were a magic wand we could wave to make things less painful for those suffering from domestic violence, but alas the magic wand is deep in the girl's soul. It is she who has to make the first effort.
My point exactly.
First Time here.. and Wowo it was a long article and SAD too.. I am sorry but can i ask you , if this girl rang you or you rang her and knew about the situation then I think you should have gone ot the police yourself ot help her out. Thats what I would do.. I feel sick reading the whole article, such things still happen in india , people need ot be educated.. esepcailly the MOTHER IN LAWS… I would prey that Each women had a daughter at least ONE.. so they know how it feels to have your daughter beaten up.. I have had this experience myself with a friend of mine, and i am gald to say that I am NO MORE FRIENDS with that guy, and the GIRL she is one of my best mates and married to my cousin now … and they both are so happy, and livign there life… MEn who hit women well they dont deserve to live, simple rule i follow. NO matter what the situation something that is not right is NOT RIGHT no matter how bad the situation is. I am really touched by this article and hope and prey that God gives some sense to such things.. THe worst thins is its a WOMAN who is a nasty enemy of a fellow WOMAN.. and I ahve never been to be able to understand that … The reason why she wants to give her first marriage another chance is cause we are all fools.. and hope and hop and hopeeeeee .. this is one of our tradition I wish the girl all the best and her DAUGHTER too.. Hope god shows love to her and gives some sense to her husband.. It is sad what happened to her.. but it seems its almost a common story… and Sometimes it does happen the other way round too, Men too suffer but not to this extent.. I have taken a lot of space here .. sorry
I understand. Someone make her understand please.
Wish it were that easy. But I wish you all the best.
Badmouthing is just fine. Seriously, it's way better than turning your life upside down completely. I appreciate your view point. It makes good sense.
I understand you Garima. It's beyond me why she's still living with him.
Thank you IHM. It's high time the new generation takes strong steps to ensure they are happy and content in their marriages and their spouse is comfortable.
I do not understand what sacrifice and compromise mean too Chanz. It's understandable to some extent, but violence and mental agony is not agreeable.
My feelings exactly. Thanks for being here.
I wish I could explain to her to take a stand. But for now, she's atleast had the sense to move back to her own parents house. Hopefully, better sense would prevail in some time and she would file for divorce.
I've read your post Su. Thanks for putting it up. Appreciate your efforts. Good to spread awareness.
Hopefully, the new generation would not count a marriage to be happy by the amount of money the girls parents spend on the wedding day and the dowry.Happiness needs to come from within the hearts of the couple.
I understand your point. Even divorces are not easy to obtain. Especially in India, where justice is delayed to the extent that the couple would probably be dead before the verdict comes.
I have no idea why she is trying to patch things up again. No idea at all. I wish I could do something, but all I can do is pray.
Hugs to you too Dipti. Thanks a tonne.
Take as much space as you like, your comments are more than welcome. We all hope against hope. But this is getting way beyond imagination.
hello, i thank my luck to land up at ur blog and happen to read the post..let me tell you thankx a lot , i felt an emotinal attayachar while reading the post (i mean the trauma of the subjet)have a lot to revert back n discuss on such a topic. i would also go through the part 1 of the post.though its an simple and common problem in the society , but the one who suffers knows how it is to kill your soul and live.the most important thing i liked… " Why do Indian girls go through all this? " the line pinches me.. hope someone cld really have the guts to change the current hardships that so many Indian girls have to go through under the weaklinks of society.
I hate to say this, but a lot of times these things get aggravated because women refuse to get out of the situation. No one is going to consider you a martyr ladies, or worship you if this happens. Stop being stupid and get up and leave. I know I sound completely insensitive right now, but I feel really strongly about this having seen enough people suffer cos they didn't up and leave when they had the chance.
The reason women don't hit back, and even tolerate it, even try to help the man more…often because of lack of self worth…feeling that it is deserved…that if only she can just do better, be nicer, if she hadn't said that, had cooked just as he wanted, had not shown any sign of wanting the same rights as him (etc etc) then he wouldn't have hit. Feeling that she too because of her shortcomings has a part in it, if not the primary blame. And also, knowing that, especially if there are children, she will be judged by all those who don't know (which will be most people, as it will be hidden usually, from both the shame of being one to be hit, and from the shame of staying) for not making an effort to keep it together. And, in cases of alcohol or mental problems or even remorse on the part of the man, feeling that he needs to be helped. Plus…while initially a shock, it becomes something accepted – and not even that scary unless he gets a knife.I think it is so important to show not just daughters, but all women we know, that they are valuable and worthy, even if not perfect. Now you, Tbg, do a great job of that. So, kudos to you for that. You really do a great job of raising these issues, and in a way that makes people read. And of course in valuing women yourself. Thank you for that
You are right .. it's the fear of being alone that has been drilled into us as though it would be end of the world. .
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
True. You summed up my entire text in one sentence pretty well! Thanks!
Congratulations for a much needed post indeed.I am a late commer hopping from IHM. Let us keep repeating its time desi women learned to say NO. The guilt ridden upbringing, making girls feel responsible for not just keeping the house clean but keeping every Tom, Dick and |Harry in the town happy. I hope these links help.http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/05/23/ex-with-benefits-sex-on-my-mind/Keep up the good work.Peace,Desi Girl
Thanks for the links, and welcome here. I'll see them ASAP.
god!that was so heart breaking..that i discontinued reading.. ;(
Even after so much of sufferings an abuse, this girl still trying to give her marriage a chance. What for? SO that one fine day, husband comes again drunk and in a fit of rage, murder his wife/daughter or rape them? This girl is educated an independent. How can she live with a person who is not even a human, who do not have any love an affection for his wife and daughter. When this baby girl will grow up, what impression she would have for this man. It's better to divorce him and take the gold and money back for the future of her daughter. Understand that Indian females are emotionally weak. However, one very important thing need to be kept in mind is that nothing is beyond one's Self-respect and dignity.
You know why women never get remarried? Because they feel that they've paid their dues once already (to the pati, the in-laws(out-laws?) and the society. Now they've got freedom …. and their kids. Its the best place to be! Why should they sacrifice that?
hey ! it's very very disconcerting …. even in very well educated families, often girls are forced to accept decisions …. though we know our rights, sometimes it is so difficult to stand up for them
What..? Which is this girl.. your friend living in..? I am sorry but I don't sympathize with her.. file a divorce. Complaint on the cruel wicked MIL… ! I say its her fault too.. one should get rid of slimy people as soon as possible… there is no hope for improvement in some cases.. we should just learn to move on.
Firstly I think everyone MIL needs a lesson on genetics. They need to taught about the X and Y chromosomes and men and only men are responsible. Secondly, I am sorry Ramit to say this but the girl needs to show some guts here. Remember, in the last comment i said I know a girl, well she is going through nearly the same, may be a bit less of beating as she has a son with God's Grace but yeah I till date think she needs to learn and oppose her Hubby. She is educated, has a good job, she should be able to make her husband know that she is capable enough to live without him. If you keep taking crap in life, people keep giving it to you… as simple as that.
No matter what happens, or the extent of it, domestic violence always remains hushed. Those who are living with it have submitted their lives to it, accepted it as normal. The rest "tch" and look the other way.Awareness will never be reached unless people live through it, scars and all.Very powerful post.
Wow…this is great Ramit. Glad there are men like you out there who are ready to take up such issues esp., one concerning women. May you get your naya car soon beta!!
Domestic Violence..girl child..dowry..so many issues..so many faces of marriage in India..so much social pressure to get married and stay married..so many people going through the same. ..and no matter how you try and help, it is the girl who has to take the step to move on..and so many reasons she gives not to..so many times you receive her call after she has been hit..And feel helpless because talking to her is all you can do. Telling her to move on is all you can do. Listen to her cry is all you can do.And yes I talk from experience.
Domestic violence is something that a girl or a couple have to fight on their own. There are Numerous NGO's and some great laws that have been put in place so that a woman can fight for here right.But the SADDEST part is that, the woman has to stand up on her own. If she refuses to use these laws, unfortunately you can't force her to. Again I am going to stress upon the fact that-The thinking has to change in the girl's head. And not anywhere else.And, having two daughters is a WONDERFUL thing. I have a younger sister… and we are a very happy family with sensible parents (Touchwood)And here is another thing that needs to be passed on- THE GENDER OF THE BABY DOES NOT I REPEAT DOES NOT DEPEND ON THE MOTHER. IT IS COMPLETELY THE FATHER'S GENES/CHROMOSOMES THAT DECIDE THE GENDER OF THE BABY. THE SIMPLE REASON BEING THAT A WOMAN ONLY HAS THE X CHROMOSOMES AND THE MEN HAVE BOTH X&Y CHROMOSOMES. SO MEN, START TAKING THE BLAME.It is totally idiotic, I mean, I don't know what your friend is thinking really, the husband doesn't even care, if he has the audacity to throw his own daughter, his own flesh and blood on the floor, I am sure the daughter would never want that kind of an abusive father's name behind her own name. I hope and pray that her life gets sorted out soon.
I agree with Sakshi. The girl has to change her mindset. I mean how much can you tolerate??? Fights happen between couples, sure they do. But physically hurting a person IS NOT DONE!! How dare he?? Its completely ridiculous.The girl should start living her own life, just her and the baby. Start afresh. You deserve a good life.
I had done 2 posts on domestic violence, both friends… 1 has had a divorce but the family being too "ashamed" have moved out of Mysore and live in a different city.The second had a son, she became pregnant in hopes to stop the abuse. It didn't stop.The neighbours had called the police once in America!Now, because of having a son, she isn't being beaten up and she "listens" to everything he says…her parents made her go back, saying that the beatings were an adjustment issue and that once she learns in obeying her husband, he will be great guy! after all he is in America no?!!Sigh!!you know, you are right – it starts with No, it starts with the parents not being desprate for marriage…it also starts with parental support and that the girls aren't a "burden"And your friend, really needs to divorce the guy and try and move on in life.. its difficult, but possible.
Correction:Which world* *
It's horrible… horrible!!! Why do girls, educated with good careers in hand, endure it… why? Is it because the society wouldn't accept them labeling them? Or is it just because they feel they can't do without a support (ironical word there!) system?Saying No is actually not just important, it works too. Once you make it clear you're not taking any nonsense, they stop giving it to you… at the most, they'll badmouth you which I agree is harassing but surely not more than the violence?
Would any amount of education ever be enough for such people??? I used to think that educations is the key through which one can open the door of civilization….but here the educated people are behaving barbarically… inspite of all the awareness that media is trying to spread about the fact that its not upto a girl to decide the gender of the baby, we get to hear/read such non-sense. In such a situation I would rather live alone with the baby….away from everything that would make me re-live my past.
I almost felt a kick inside as I read this. Too many issues covered up here. Thank you for posting this. Learning to say NO: something we all must do. Absolutely brilliant.
quite sadi agree totally when you said, "Little things give the in laws courage to move on to bigger issues."Time for the girls to take charge at the slightest of violence… Its like a do or die situation… Do it, you'll be happy… u dont do it, you die… simple… but sadly, it isnt very easy.. not for the girls… you know what, after reading this case, i am not very sure of what do the terms, sacrifice and compromise mean…
Thanks for your wishes Sakshi. I also hope that she will come out of her trauma soon. But it's embedded so deep that it will take a lot of strong will and courage on her part to come out of it.Men know that it's their fault if the baby is a girl, someone needs to explain to the boy's mothers.
Stories like these and on child molestations abound in the newspaper every day.I’ve stopped reading the newspaper Tbg…wrong move!I should be standing up and doing something about these issues that disturb me for days*I was a bit hesitant even to read this for the crumbling it may lead to inside of me for days after*I have often been told that I express myself well and should write on matters that contribute or make a difference to the society we live in! I always laugh that off on the pretext that I don’t know issues well enough or who’d read them!You inspire me to write on such vital issues by the sheer power of your words striking the right chord here!I salute to your effort!And regarding domestic violence…it is sad how double faced most Indians are when it comes to their own daughters and then their daughters-in-law.If only we would learn to say ‘NO’!I pray your message makes home suitably!
She would honestly make the biggest blunder of her life by going back to the same guy !!! How can she even tolerate someone throwing her child… and not be courageous enough to slap that man and never let him even come closer to her and her child !!! its really a sad state when a well educated and career oriented girl has to go thru all this. She should just take a stand and not take up with this crap !!!!
OH my goodnesss… that is just sad.. I was cringing from the mninute i read the hubby slapped her and wondered why she continued living with him… by the end of the post i was LIVID..shaking with anger….. Damn girls.. say NO!!!
quite sadi agree totally when you said, "Little things give the in laws courage to move on to bigger issues."Time for the girls to take charge at the slightest of violence… Its like a do or die situation… Do it, you'll be happy… u dont do it, you die… simple… but sadly, it isnt very easy.. not for the girls… you know what, after reading this case, i am not very sure of what do the terms, sacrifice and compromise mean…
Brilliant post TBG. We all see such stories around us – I have heard of a woman who didn't let her son and daughter in law close the door, I thought it was too disgusting to be true and maybe there was an exaggeration. It is difficult to imagine how the minds of such men work.I have also seen women who only allowed the son to go his room after they have talked about how his day in the office was and dinner and this and that , and the daughter in law is told to go and sleep – the intention was not to be unkind, but the feeling was that the couple does not need any time alone to get to know each other or have any conversations of their own. IN fact there might be insecurity about too much conversation or closeness…
Let me tell you a true story…A girl of 23 gets married to an IIT-IIM graduate (oh, how I hate that tag!)…It's an arranged marriage…They live with her in-laws as the husband is a family man and not a career one (I have no idea what that means)…Anyway, on their first night , the MIL shoves them into their room and shuts the door…She wants them to have sex…She wants to control them…Nothing happens as both husband and wife don't know each other and need to be at ease before they can have sex…Every night after that, the MIL tells them when to go to bed and ensures they are in their room with the door shut relatively early…After a month, she asks her son if they've had sex and he says no, there's enough time for that…The MIL is angry and thinks the DIL is frigid and takes her to a doctor to have her tested (???)…She also calls the girl's parents to tell them that they have burdened her with a frigid daughter…She proceeds to say that her son is fine and that she had him tested before marriage (???)…It's been 20 yrs. now and the couple have 2 sons…The girl is not happy but she's hanging on…There's no physical abuse but plenty of the other kind…She had left her husband when her older son was a few months old but decided to go back and give it another try…The husband is now making life hell for her and their sons…The older one has just taken his class 10 exams and is being forced by his father to opt for engineering and join a two year preparatory class…The son is not interested but is too soft to tell his father on his face…Major arguments happen every evening – the mother stands up for her son but the father verbally abuses her…I don't know what will happen but I'm sure this story is being repeated in millions of households…
You are so right! Girls are no less than men in any ways. The older generation needs to be taught all that. I have seen a girl's in laws and husband not giving her any money, even for her own expenses. Poor girl even had the MIL escort her if she wanted to go to the beauty parlour. And yeah the story of get pregnant within the first year of marriage haunts every married woman in this country. And I am somehow against the belief that an Indian girl does not marry her husband, she marries the entire family, meaning she is responsible for the entire family's care taking and still should never raise a word if ridiculed! Bullshit!
*biggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg hug*
A big thank you from the bottom of my heart..and every girl's heart.
what an excellent post! I think indian parents should give their daugthers the freedom and choice with regards to marriage. The problem starts because they regard it as a duty. And they start feeling bad if they don't take the effort to fulfil the duty. Just like what u said, learning to say NO is very important. There might be problems, conflicts with parents for some time whatever it is, girls should fight till the end if they are not ready for it. I wish the girl and the baby are fine now. But why the hell is she trying to patch up with things again? Just dump him somewhere and pray hard that he goes neither to hell or heaven. and where the hell is the mother-in-law? I don't mind bashing her up like what the cousins did to the guy!
Very well written post and this is not unusual, it happens oh so commonly in so called normal and educated families. Our society is such that they give so much importance to a girl getting married but zero importance to what happens to her after she gets married. It is disgusting. Girls are under so much pressure from everywhere they many a times don't know how much is too much and when does it become important to say NO.
This saddened me to read but as a retired Family Lawyer I can tell you that very similar things happen in the UK – all too often I`m afraid. Young girls, barely educated, have babies and/or marry – it is a pretty hopeless spiral with very little escape.
I don't understand why the parents send their married daughters in an abusive marriage back again to that hell!! the great compromise or adjustment the whole society talks about on the part of the woman to be a punching bag (using ur expression) (phys n emotionally) at the hands of the husband!! Choose carefully while getting married, do some research into their neighbourhood..in these matters if u get their enemy, the truth comes out!!…many land lucky in India (unfortunately I have to use the word lucky)… thank god for that… and pray for the rest:(I know of a close friend finally divorced, remarried and happy… She woke up when the husband tried to drown their month old baby boy (point to be noted) in the bath tub in a fit of rage.. Until then she silently suffered her MIL and husband (her parents had no clue or feigned ignorance). Her parents should have gotten the clue when their daughter came back crying after their initial dates after the engagement. The marriage took place, as breaking an enagagement meant hell breaking lose.. and what to end up in a divorce 4 years later!! ha!! parents and their tact!! their duty is not only to marry off their daughters, but see to their safety, happiness after marriage too..u don't disown ur children ones they are married do u??
Pingback: RESULTS: Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards – 2011 | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker
I had a mini-heart attack reading your post….and your narrative which described the extent of abuse suffered by that girl. And for heaven’s sake I have NO CLUE WHY!!!
Why do we engrave it into little girls’ mind that getting married and staying married is the only way to be??? Jesus Christ!!!
Thanks for writing about this. We need more people who will draw attention to these things and accept that it is NOT ok to take it lying down.
Congratulations
This post in one of the winners of ‘Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards – 2011′ (TRBA 2011). We would like to create an ebook with all the winning entries in 47 categories on Feminism and Gender Issues in India (and one category on Animals Rights). Please do let us know if you are fine with your winning post/s being included in this ebook. ( Please click here to let us know).