Hello,
I had sent this post to IHM but she has been on a sabbatical so I am sending this to you on how women also harass there in-laws.
I come from a middle class family; my father was an alcoholic and always in debt. My mother single-handedly raised me and my brother. I started working when I was very young to support our family and we all made a lot of sacrifices. My father’s sisters always bullied my mother (even though my father is a gentle soul, he never had the courage to stand against his sisters).
Anyways we grew up and did well in our respective careers and become a very close-knit strong family. My brother got a job in defense and did well for himself and we started planning his wedding. We found a girl on a famous matrimonial website and we liked her as she came from a similar background and we felt would adjust really well with us.
The only thing we asked her family was :
1) My parents would stay with my brother and her after marriage (my father is bedridden now) and my brother stays away a lot because of his job so we felt that his wife and my mom would have an emotional support. Her family claimed to be happy with this and said that she would adjust as she herself came from a joint family.
2) We expected the girl to have a career and not just sit at home. I am financially independent and ambitious and my mother has also been working all these years. So we wanted his wife also to have a career. We did not expect the girl to give any money to us but just be independent so she has everything she needs. Again her family claimed that she was very career oriented.
We did not ask for any dowry in fact we gave her everything that even I couldn’t have for my wedding. Her family did a lot of things without our knowledge and cancelled a few preparations made by my husband and me. Anyways we over looked all that and did not create a fuss.
Everything went smoothly and my parents moved in with my brother. The abuse started from the very next day itself. She was mean to my mother, was rude, immature and was very selfish. The things she did and said to my parents I can’t even mention here. Once when my mother actually complained about her behavior to her mother, she replied that the girl was angry as they had spent a lot of money on her wedding. MIND YOU we had not seen a single penny of it and they had not given us anything. She even took the clothes that her mother had given us back because she was upset as my mom gave me some of those clothes.
We showered her with gifts and encouraged her to have a career. She started a job but would leave it every few months for some or the other reason. She stole from us and we have proof that she did and slowly started poisoning my brother against us. She even cut her wrists once and ran away from home. My mother is so scared of her that she just suffers and lives like a maid with them rather than say anything.
I know my mother has her faults but when I compare her to all the other Mother in-laws I know and even to my own MIL, she is million times better. She is like a friend to us and has always helped my brother and his wife financially even though she hardly earns anything.
My sister-in-law actually tells us that if my brother ever DARES to leave her she will get half of his salary. She is always comparing herself to others and wants everything. She pretends to be from a rich family and looks down upon us even though she has had more luxury staying with us. She doesn’t help my mom with chores and treats her like a maid.
We don’t know what to do and how to deal with this situation. My brother also now sides with her and in fact he and I hardly speak now. It has been almost a month since I spoke to him, when there was a time we used to speak to each other 10 times in a day. She hates my husband because he once told her off as she did not want to work (my brother has a housing loan and has a meager salary and she is very demanding).
She actually looks down upon me because I have a career and feels pity for me as I have to work. In her words only women whose husbands don’t do well have to work and now my brother also believes that and has told me so.
My mother and I cry every time we speak to each other and just do not say or do anything with her. We listen to her talks and see her mean behavior and curse the day we got my brother married. I hate her from the bottom of my heart but cannot do anything to change the situation.
Tbg adds: Have you considered leaving them alone? Maybe that would help. Just leave them and let them be. Time usually take some time to let people understand what they have when they don’t have it anymore.
Apart from this, I have no idea what’s the best way to face this situation head on. Maybe lying low for a while might help.
Good luck.
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Completely agree with TBG. ‘Time usually take some time to let people understand what they have when they don’t have it anymore.’ True, very very true.
Well, I have not seen such a situation practically in my life, so I don’t think I could be much eligible for making any comments. But of course time teaches every one their lessons. May be your sister-in-law has forgotten that one day she’ll also be mother-in-law. And she might get the same treatment from her daughter-in-law as she is treating now her own mother-in-law. Give her some time. Wait and watch. Either she’ll change herself or she’ll fall prey to her own behavior. I don’t know what do you want or what will make you more happier. So I’ll just pray that things settle down easily for every one of you.
I agree with TGB.. leave them alone…
Maybe even your parents can move out from there and stay with the daughter for a while.
Good Luck with bringing about the needed change here…
its true dt der r more of female favoring laws dez days coz dy r still treated as WEAKER SECTION of society n usually literate women who r aware of dez laws kindda threatens der in laws ….. it s a serious issue bt if HUSBAND supports such activities dn dy shd b left on der own coz evry1 has a rit to live his life his way……dts where MORALS OF MAN counts
TBG,
I have never interfered in their life and I live in a different country. I have never said anything to her and pretend everything is normal. I hardly call her and try to be as away as I can. My parents started living alone but the girl forced my parents to move back with them (promising them that she would behave well). Then convinently she got preggy and now my mother takes care of all her needs as she refuses to get up from the bed.
Again I state I have never told her anything..I am just an ear to my mother and call her when she is not around….
What else can I do.
What you shouldnt do ? – You are encouraging your mother. You mom is old and matured enough to handle her pbms. Sounds like an efficient lady who managed a alcoholic husband and raised her children successfully.
As Indians we do have lot of expectations. Getting your brother married isnt a curse and you didn’t do him any favor or the gal whom you got him married to.
Try walking in her shoes. Would you take care of your mother-in-law and a bedridden father-in-law when you MIL expects too much and doesnt give you any privacy and meddle in all affairs and badmouth about you to her daughter, neighbours?
If your SIL invited your parents back to treat them slaves, they should standoff and say , it is your baby and you need to be responsible and at this age, we have to relax and do what we always wanted to do.
Why do you want someone to change anyway?Whose problem is it if she doesnt change? Not yours and not your parents. It is your brother’s pbm and his kid’s. if it doesnt work out, he should divorce or separate and you shouldnt meddle as well.
And you can help your parent’s financial needs after discussing with your husband and be open if he wants to do same to his family.
By the way they have been married for almost 4 years and she has not changed infact her behaviour just gets worst every day.
Why doesnt she take on her mom and dad to her place and stay away from her sister-in-law? That’d be the best option, rather than suffering in silence.
And thrs no point maintaining relations with a spineless son/brother who, in spite of knowing his sister and mom very well, has changed after the wife’s brainwashing!
My two cents. This is nothing new or different. Every indian household the same story. We should listen to sister-in-law, it would be pretty more dramatic than this one. And these soap-operas in our country as well does the same. I am not taking sides here , but how do you insult someone trying to commit suicide by cutting her wrist? Any tolerant, docile MIL would understand that the couple needs privacy and that she as fifthwheel is causing trouble and move out and let things cool down.
Only indian MIL would try to join hands with neighbours , daughters and whole relatives and start badmouthing the person. The same happens otherway as well. DIL badmouthing MIL to their mom, bro,relatives and friends and paint a cindrella pic.
We should follow west. Let the couple pay for their own wedding. Elders parents of both groom and bride stay away.
When two souls are entering holy matrimony they are adults and grown up. Give them space and let them handle their problems.
You have no right to meddle in theirs. And if parents are throwing away money, the younger couple shouldnt judge or pass comments.
This is one other reason I hate arranged marriages. Everyone other than couple play important part.
http://meandmythinkingcap.blogspot.com/2010/11/indian-marriage-and-roles-played.html
How many times we hear this story.. Don’t know what to say..but for maybe let the parents move out..They will be better off. Atleast live with dignity.
Except some extremities, this is a very common scenario in India, and thats the reason I really feel irritated when people think that girls are only victimised.
The same thing happened to one of my close relatives..today the girls and their parents literally torture boy’s families in the name of exercising equality….
Here, the best thing would be to leave them alone, parents must always be prepared to live by themselves and its not very difficult even if one changes the mind set.
@Renu,
…I really feel irritated when people think that girls are only victimised.
Then you’ll have to be irritated most of the time coz’ even if MIL or SIL are are troubled by DIL then they too are women. The fact is still more brides are troubled than the other way around.
…in the name of excercising equality…
Equality of what, bad and worse? When people start competing for eqauality to bad all they end up with is doing worse.
Yes, you are right parents should be prepared tolive alone. In India retirement age is 58-60, if it is defence it is even more early may be 54. Once retired second job is hard to come and they think they have worked all their adult lives so they need to sit at home. 6o is not old but they start acting as if they are already 80 and their adult kids start assuming the same. Now the kids start parenting the parents. Doing the same things that their parents did- worrying and making them dependent on themselves. It is a vicious cycle.
Unless people start practising healthy boundaries they’ll either walk all over the others or be walked over.
Peace,
Desi Girl
Dear Coolblogger,
I appreciate your comments and here is my response to what you have said:
My two cents. This is nothing new or different. Every Indian household the same story. We should listen to sister-in-law, it would be pretty more dramatic than this one. – I agree she surely would have her side of horror stories regarding my family. But we believe in talking things out and discussing them out in the open. We do not hold grudges or like to take revenge. My mother has always told her that if she does or says something that bothers her then the daughter in law should bring it to her attention so my mother would ensure she does not do it again.
And these soap-operas in our country as well does the same. I am not taking sides here. but how do you insult someone trying to commit suicide by cutting her wrist? – The reason why she cut her wrists was because my mother once made dinner as they were late from watching a movie and my father was hungry. This upset my sister in law so much she abused my mother verbally, when my brother calmly told her to apologize she slit her wrists and ran away from the house .Again this shows her level of maturity. Instead of talking calmly and discussing things she choose to dramatize the whole situation.
Any tolerant, docile MIL would understand that the couple needs privacy and that she as fifthwheel is causing trouble and move out and let things cool down – My mother left them and moved to a different house but my sister in law begged and begged and begged my mother to move back with her as she was lonely and scared of living alone. My brother was posted somewhere else and couldn’t take her. We asked the girl to move in with her parents but she doesn’t get along with her family either and did not want to move in with them. So after a lot of pestering my mother gave in and moved back.
Only indian MIL would try to join hands with neighbours , daughters and whole relatives and start badmouthing the person. The same happens otherway as well. DIL badmouthing MIL to their mom, bro,relatives and friends and paint a cindrella pic. –
We should follow west. Let the couple pay for their own wedding. Elders parents of both groom and bride stay away – All Indian MIL’s are not the same. My family has never discussed what she has done and how she has behaved with them with a single soul. Infact for the first year even I was not aware of what was happening as my mother never discussed it. It was only after I saw my mother after a year and she was diagnosed with depression did I found out that she was being mentally tortured. People have come to us and told us how our DIL bad mouths us but my mother refuses to indulge in gossip and has never questioned the DIL about what other people have told us. For us she is a part of our family and will always get the benefit of doubt.
When two souls are entering holy matrimony they are adults and grown up. Give them space and let them handle their problems. You have no right to meddle in theirs. And if parents are throwing away money, the younger couple shouldnt judge or pass comments. This is one other reason I hate arranged marriages. Everyone other than couple play important part. – All arranged marriages are not bad. Marriage means adjusting and accepting. You don’t have to love your in laws if you don’t like them nor do you have to accept everything they say. But you do have to be civil to them and respect them to have a better and a more harmonious relationship. Just because we are modern and want to have our own life does not mean that we should be abusive and rude to others.
Hi Everyone,
This is a phenomenon related to the human “thought process”.
Today I will jump to the solution, directly.
Don’t be shocked!
Buy them a TeleVision.
and switch to something like this.. -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CL_ZdmsgBao
———————————————————
Reason: Till the time both of them do not find some 3rd party to fight with.. till that time they will keep fighting among themselves.
———————————————————
Thank you.
N offense meant. But just like many homemaker-moms in India, the mom here sounds like a control freak who gets her things done by taking kids and everyone on guilt trip by making mountain out of a mole. Just not the bro and family is in trouble but also the her daughter who is very nice and naive. Here it clearly shows that she was looking for a unpaid nurse to dance to her tunes rather than a DIL for herself or a wife for his son.
Here are some alarming facts
-mom was bullied by her SIL-
-one of condition for marriage is the wife should serve her and her hubby.
-Her family did a lot of things without our knowledge and cancelled a few preparations made by my husband and me-??
-my mother actually complained about her behavior to her mother
-She stole from us -??started poisoning my brother against us-??
-speak to each other 10 times in a day-??
-My mother and I cry every time we speak to each other
-curse the day we got my brother married-??
-I hate her from the bottom of my heart-??
You are staying away far from this mess but still you are tortured and you feel guilty and you feel helpless – WHY? I DONT SEE ANY PBM WITH YOU. You sound like a very innocent person .
I do have a friend whose life is messed and torn apart by her overindulging mother. She is a very sweet person and so is her hubby. Her mom- to me is a selfish , control freak. She talks to her everyday around 4-6 hrs a day to her daughter, all she does is turn her against her husband and he does all the house chores and my friend sees him as a threat and a stranger. Her MIL is a normal person and the way she twists everyday acts is juz horrible. Just like in soap-operas-even a small cough would be a conspirach plot. Her mom teaches her to spy on him and make him stop talking to his side of family and everything.
One time she got her so depressed and so freaky, she is in therapy now.
STAY AWAY FROM OVERINDULGING MOMS. You have a life , you have a wonderfull husband and kid for whose future who are solely responsible for.
-Definitely I am not judgemental or rude, I am just thinking aloud. Pardon me if my words hurt anyone.
@coolblogger
appreciate your strategy.. to end it before… anyone could claim that you are judgemental or rude.
we can only say that, we can understand.. actually we can never, till the time we are in that situation, and very much a part of it.
i hope you understand what I am emphasizing on.
In life, Learn 1st try to make things than break things apart..
may be this conflict between the DIL and the MIL can be resolved by a cool minded discussion.. and just because of some external paranoid influence, they tame a latent conflict which will lead to nothing.. as you very correctly told the audience.
“Peace”
I miss desigirl’s view here…
good day!
PS: These are just views, no personal judgement or offences attached. thank you.
@80Abhishek,
So here is Desi Girl.
I guess Avi is the person who wrote a comment on my blog some months ago about illogical SIL.
First, did the man in question had any role in selecting his so called life partner or was it convenient to let mommy bring a bahu.
http://uthojago.wordpress.com/2011/01/08/%e0%a4%ad%e0%a4%be%e0%a4%b5%e0%a5%80-%e0%a4%9c%e0%a5%80%e0%a4%b5%e0%a4%a8-%e0%a4%b8%e0%a4%be%e0%a4%a5%e0%a5%80-%e0%a4%ae%e0%a5%87%e0%a4%82-%e0%a4%95%e0%a5%8b%e0%a4%a8%e0%a4%b8%e0%a5%87-%e0%a4%97/
Avi, saying that we did not ask for any dowry is like saying we did the bahu a favor and she is not appreciating it.
Coz’ you guys did not ask for dowry so she should be thankful for it. Her family changed some things you planned you didn’t raise a hue and cry about it when you could have. Where is it coming from? It is coming from the attitude that as grooms sister and jija you are entitled to certain privileges. The whole premise emerges from right to entitlement as grooms family.
What you could have done is immaterial as you cannot go back and change it. See what you can do now and in future. Yes, it hurts when you have to limit your interaction with your only sibling but there is only as much you can do. Even the other sibling has to take responsibility of keeping in touch or being respectful.
Initial years of marriage should be set aside for the couple toknow each other not meet the needs of other family members. Coming from a defence background DG knows how deployments and non family station postings work. The bahu in question if doesn’t want to go and live with her folks then she can go and stay at nearest family station on the base quarters.
Your mother is being abused so she is entitled to civil reliefe under “The Protection Of Women From Domestic Violence Act, 2005.”
Your parents moved out and then came back coz’ the bahu assured them of behaving well. But soon she slipped into her old patterns. That is very normal for a abuser to do. It is a cycle of violence. Abuser makes promises, then there is silence and then erruption of temper. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/
Now ur parents know it better what the bahu is capable of, so they should move out and stick to their resolve. You mother is pretty strong person, if she could raise her kids and deal with an alcoholic husband she can still live away from bahu.
About your brother, he was good only until bahu came in the picture, then accept it your family brought him up so had some responsibility in his behavior. He is an adult and has a job that he is maintaining. So he has his brain to use. It is a choice if he wants to or not he has to make. You were talking to your brother 10 times a day? wao, you both had so much time and what was it all about? Didn’t you have life and important to do? How can you imagine he’ll have same amount of time after he gets married. His day will not become of 48 hrs, it will be still 24hrs and he’ll give X hrs to you and then he’ll give -x hrs to his wife. You are married do you still have time to call your brother 10 times a day?
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/desi-dating-read-between-the-lines/
Now about selecting the bahu. Other than your two important condition what other compatibilty indicators you guys matched? Take some responsibility and stop dwelling on victimization. Try to find a solution to the problem.
As everyone is suggesting leave the bahu alone. She may be a miserable person let her be just don’t make your self miserable. Do you have any idea how much control bahu has on your life? You have given her that control by indulging in hating her. Same energy can be used for something more productive.
Let people say what they are saying, it doesn’t matter coz’ they are not paying your mom’s rent and bills. The family honor has never paid anyone’s rent or bills if you know it did then please do let DG know.
If it is that bad seek legal help.
Hope you find courage to find the solution to your predicament.
Peace,
Desi Girl
Yes, harassment is not gender specific…and you have touched a relevant topic. The law favors women in several cases and women take advantage of the fact…Compelling read…
The friend I mentioned before she fits te bill. Her mom didn’t come to help her out during her last stages of delivery but her mil,but instead of appreciating her kindness,she was driving every1 insane. She was disappointed that mom backed off ,so it was taking it out on her mil. Her complains would be silly to te core. She went to emergency bcos she spilled hot water in her toes herself but blamed her mil bcos she was taking bath and she was hungry and had to go kitchen herself.
Not just this, all te way are brought up, every mil is evil witch and every dil is a bitch whose main job is to split te family.
After marriage,back off ppl, let them handle their life themselves.
Hi DG,
Thank you for your comments.
After reading a lot of things that you and cool blogger have written I have realized I did not articulate myself correctly.
1) Dowry – We did not do a favor on the girls family by not asking for dowry. But for them it was an issue as her mother always told my mom how their son was upset that they spend so much on the wedding and how their daughter misbehaved with us because they had spend so much on the wedding. My point was that we had not asked them to spend anything nor did we ask them for any gifts for our family, then why make it an issue by telling us.
2) Her family changed some things you planned you didn’t raise a hue and cry about it when you could have. Where is it coming from? It is coming from the attitude that as grooms sister and jija you are entitled to certain privileges. The whole premise emerges from right to entitlement as groom’s family. – Her family insisted that we get married in their native place, as we had a huge family who wanted to attend the wedding. It was prudent that we also make arrangements for the relatives who were attending so as to not put any pressure on the girls family. So my husband and I visited their native place and made a few arrangements so things would be smooth during the wedding. During the wedding we realized whatever arrangements we had made were cancelled by her father without even informing us and we had to run around in a strange place doing last minute arrangements for family.
3) You were talking to your brother 10 times a day? wao, you both had so much time and what was it all about? Didn’t you have life and important to do? – That was just a phrase, what I meant was that we spoke a lot and discussed things together. But now we don’t speak to each other for months. Again I understand he is married and has his own life but marriage does not mean you lose touch with friends and family. Marriage does not mean that you should lose your own individuality.
4) I tried to move my parents to my own house but again the DIL raised a huge hue and cry over this as it would be a huge insult to her as her in laws would live with their daughter and not the son. So no matter how she treats my parents she expects them to live with her only.
Anyways my mother has made up her mind to move out and never to return to her. Let’s see how it goes. I will keep you updated on the situation.
Coolblogger – My mother is not manipulative as your friend’s mother is. As I mentioned I was not even aware of this abuse for the first year and my mother refuses to indulge in gossip with friends and family. My mother is pretty chilled out and easy going. The DIL’s parents did not allow her to wear western clothes before marriage. After marriage she told my mother that she would love to wear western clothes, so my mother took her to a parlor got her a make-over done and brought her some western clothes. Her parents freaked that we had made their daughter MODERN. My mother coolly informed them that “Because my own daughter wears western clothes, I don’t see any reason why my daughter in law shouldn’t. She can wear whatever she wants.”
The DIL started a job for a few months, she would not eat anything before going to work. So my mother would prepare breakfast for her and take it to her office so she would eat it during her break.
Another thing you mentioned was that we were looking for a maid for my father. Let me clarify that my mother would never expect her DIL to take her of her husband. My mother has not left my father’s side in 15 years. She has not seen her family for all these years because she does not want anyone else to feed, clean and bathe my father. As my mother says it is her burden to bear not the DIL’s and she will bear it as long as she is alive.
The whole point of writing this blog is to inform people that harassment is not gender specific. It is not just the daughter in law who gets tortured. Every mother in law does not wake up in the morning and think of 100 ways to torture her DIL. It can also be the opposite. And every DIL is also not bad.
What we lack today is empathy and basic sense of decency. There is no balance and respect left in relationships. We don’t have to force ourselves to love someone if we don’t like them. But that does not mean you forget how to even be polite and abuse your position in the name of being modern.
@Avi,
The title of the post is totally faulty. Harassment definitely has a gender more women are trobled be it by men or by other women, thus abuse does have a gender. What you are discussing her is reverse generational harassment. The majority trend is the incoming younger women (DIL) is bothered by the resident senior women (MIL or other DILs in the family) and some times by resident junior women [grooms sister(s)]. I tried to make this point in my response to comment by @Renu but I noticed it went unoticed.
Yes, one should not loose their individuality after marriage but women have been doing that for centuries and they are expected to do so in the name of making the new family their own. Here your brother is doing so it is more obvious and hurtful. When a person is abused and troubled they are too ashamed to accept it and emotionally distraught to establish contact with people who support them. I can say it with conviction as I have been there are done that also research shows it. All of a sudden things that interested one until yesterday seem mundane and there seems no hope so people cut themselves off from others. What are they going to say:
You: How are you?
Abused:I am ok.
You: Tell me what is going on.
Abused: Nothing much, same old. (in his/her mind: wish I could tell you not every thing is good, but that will only bother you, I don’t need your pitty. I guess I should not meet her cause I am tired of lying all the time.)
@Lurker makes a very good point here http://sexualabuseindians.blogspot.com/2011/01/why-didnt-you-tell-anyone-because.html Even if you are willing tolisten you won’t know how to help because so much emotion is invested in a marriage even if it is dysfunctional.
There is a lot going on at this time. You are hurt and feeling cheated of your goodwill by DIL and her family and betrayed by your brother due to his silence. There is lots of work ahead along with healing process to begin. It was your hurt that came out inarticulated in the post and that is common and very normal response to get defensive. Here on nothing matters. What matters is how to restore permanent peace with least collateral damage.
A final talk could be held with the DIL on the lines of this post
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/dealing-with-in-laws/
Accept the fact she is a miserable and controlling person. Do you want to give her power over your self by reacting to all her whims and fancies. I said earlier family honor has never paid anyone’s rent. Once your parents move out they should stay out. Earlier they came back in a hope but it also sent a message to DIL she can twist their arm to get what she wants.
Remember there will be lots of drama on moving out orlegal action. She will invoke grandchild card, she’ll shame you guys for moving out during her confinement blah blah… Just grow thick skin. “Yes, we are bad people so we are moving out what else can you expect from bad people” (in your hearts you know you are good and your creator know that too you don’t have to win a trophy of goodness from neighbors and relatives.
Hope this helps,
Peace,
Desi Girl
Desi Girl,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and suggestions. I am feeling empowered and feel I can handle this much better.
As you said the first step to this is …accepting that she is a bad person and no amount of positive behaviour and good attitude can change her outlook towards life.
Yes women are the ones who have to usually leave their individuality when they get married and this is the reason why we encouraged her to get a job so she can be someone, other than just my brother’s wife. But she tells us bluntly “I am never going to work, only women whose husband’s don’t have a good job have to work and I wont be the subject of ridicule in my family”. I guess the day she said that we should have understood her mental capabilities. We have done everything to be positive and encouraging and are always shown this negative side by her. Everything gets compared and is a battle of wits. If one of her cousins buy a saree she wants one, if one of her cousins get a car she wants one (wether we can afford it or not is out of the question, she feels that because she is now married to my brother it is his duty to make sure she gets everything she desires). It is a never ending struggle and the only way we can resolve this is by getting out of that environment.
Yes we are hurt and cheated as we have not done anything bad to her to deserve this treatment. And yes we are too ashamed to speak about it. When two people get married not only do they have to get used to each other but in the Indian context even the families have to adjust to each other. Not only the girl should be accepting even the In laws should accept the DIL. In the past 4 years only once my mother told her family about how rude and abusive she was and after that her behaviour turned even worse. Infact everytime she went to see her parents she would be more moody and throw huge tantrums. So the only option my mother had was to suffer in silence.
Divorce is not an option as she is having a baby now and DG as you rightly said she dangles the grandchild card in front of my parents. She actually tells my mother that she won’t allow her to see the baby if she moves into my house. My SIL is fair and my mother is dark skinned, so my SIL tells my mother “I am scared that my baby may become dark like you”. Everyday my mother goes through a new chapter in humilation.
Anyways we have decided to get them out of there. My brother knows that we love him but living with his wife is not possible. My parents will hopefully move soon..I will keep you posted.
@Avi,
Desi Girl is glad she could help.
This DIL is a pretty good piece of work. What Gods break no humans can put together.
leave her alone. There is no cure to her low esteem. In rural India there is a saying “you cannot touch sky by lifting your heals,” you can never keep up with Jones or please/impress every one.
Every time you dwell on what she did and how your mother suffered, you are giving DIL power over you. Also you dwell in victim mode that does no good to you. Not another word on how BAD she is.
Just have pity on her soul that does not have concept of “self” but her concept of “self” fluctuates and depends on changing faishon trends. It is like two fruit flies are competing one sits on a dog and she thinks she has risen higher and the other sits on a donkey and thinks she won the contest. Where as the truth is they are the same size only their hosts grow or shrink.
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/03/24/401/
Grandchild card is a very common tactic. Just accept it the access to child is a previlege not a right. It is her child she may or she may not allow you access. If she doesn’t no hell will break (yes, it will hurt) because you won’t be the first people to go through this. There have been numerous grandparents in similar situation and there will be countless after you. The child will bring his/her own karma to resolve, if it has some to finish with grandparents universe will make it sure it is done. We all chose who we are going to interact with in this life time. We all agreed to do our part before we were born. The only option we were given was, if we wanted to do our part with kindness and compassion or with vengence and be miserable devicing methods to be on the top. It takes a lots of energy to be evil and machenizing evil.
About the complexion of the child. Just ask her, if the child is born dark will she disown it? Didn’t she see the complexion of MIL before marriage? Now it is too late. Just tell her that.
If you need help feel free to contact. Tbg knows how to get hold of me.
Peace,
Desi Girl
PS: are you the same person who wrote on my blog to write about DIL troubling in-laws.
@Avi
I am not passing comments about your SIL because I dont have her side of story. And from your post and attitude I guess you seriously need some theraphy.
Even after Desigirl showing you mirror, you still seem to believe that you hold a clean slate and your SIL is a evil bitch shipped from hell. I would love to hear from your SIL.
Your brother is not a puppet or a pawn for you or your mother and neither his family. You meddled in his marriage and you looked for a bride for him, now since you and your mom have a pbm , you are deciding whether divorce is a option or not and you want her to go for a job?
Whatever complain you are having about the lifestyle your SIL wants, how does it matter to you? I guess it is your brother’s problem rite?
@Avi
I am not taking sides with your SIL, and I am not passing comments about your SIL because I dont have her side of story. And from your post and attitude I guess you seriously need some theraphy.
Even after Desigirl showing you mirror, you still seem to believe that you hold a clean slate and your SIL is a evil bitch shipped from hell. I would love to hear from your SIL.
Your brother is not a puppet or a pawn for you or your mother and neither his family. You meddled in his marriage and you Whatever complain you are having about the lifestyle your SIL wants, how does it matter to you? I guess it is your brother’s problem rite? Is your SIL demanding money from you or your hubby for her lavish lifestyle?
Last but not least not just your current SIL , any girl under the sun or even the goddess mahalaxmi becomes your brother’s bride , you ladies are sure to paint same pic and make her cut her wrist and run amok
Know what folks…
Someone finally told the right.. you can not conclude about people’s lives by sitting on a sofa, in front of a television, sipping the cup of Joe.. and knowing only one side of the story.
Who needs a psycho-therapist is something that.. only a certified practitioner can tell..
Well…
Let me say.. No one is born perfect, neither good or bad.. (what makes people the way they are.. is something you all know.. and certainly you can google for it!)
DIL may be bad or cruel on her side.. but, there still be some point what makes her behave like that..
SIL and MIL have this opportunity to sit, and discuss.. and find out the key damage making points, just do not cross those key points.. things will remain fine between all of them..
at the end of the day, everyone wants to live happy, few people find it in there “SPACE”, few people in shopping, few people in a “Good Night Sleep” few in “Burgers” and the list goes on…
So my point is stop fighting among yourselves… No clap is possible with a single hand.. both have done something which creates this situation.
Understand the person in front of you, it is deniable that she will keep asking for more and more of it all her life.. if she does so.. then she is a maniac. and the Brother/Husband will know it.. (Question yourselves, did she ever ask you for a Rolls Royce?)
You must include the husband, wife/DIL, SIL, MIL and anyone else involved in the scene, plan a day out together.. w/o hassles of cooking.. serving.. or cleaning plates for guests… make everyone comfortable and discuss things…
It will be difficult for some of them to accept this arrangement after knowing the purpose.. but someone of you has to take this initiative to start it off.
Whatever comes out.. may be Super Positive.. or Super Negative.. but.. you will be able to know the views of everyone.. it will increase your insight about the people you are close to.. because.. In this rapid pace lives of metros.. people spend most of the time on commutation, mobile phones, or… (list is long)
(Ask yourselves a simple question, how many of us know, what is the favorite fruit our father like to eat?) (I guess.. it will throw some light on my point.)
There is nothing that can not be worked out.. but, we have to keep aside our ego, and let the person in front feel that much comfortable to keep aside his/her ego as well.
Many of us… know that the solution exists.. but… hardwired Rules.. regulations.. and so many things.. just won’t let it happen.
My last point… I am not trying to be dramatic.. but.. if One consider that it is the last of life.. ask yourselves a simple question.. would you like to spend it happily.. or fighting?
That means, Everyone would love to share happiness to have get some amount of happiness in return.
I hope I am not trying to be outspoken here..
[I request TBG to do the final editing of my views to make it quite socially acceptable. Thanks in Anticipation.]
Thank you. Good Night.
@coolblogger,
There are drama queens and kings who would create a havoc to get attention and what they want by hurting themselves. In rural India at times a women to get their way would keep a copper coin their mouth and then drink some butter milk over it leading in to mild food poisoning and vomitting spells. The whole family would rush to them and do what they want. These could be DILs or MILs just someone who for right or wrong reasons could not talk like an adult.
Yes, Avi has a problem. It is upto her to seek help or not. Or dwell on something she has no control over. Often complaining about someone’s bad behavior is like feel good technique and remaining in victim mode sooths personal hurts.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Peace,
Desi Girl
TBG please add this line to my comment above before “thank you”, as it is very important.
“It is important to mention here that, all the advices/views/comments posted here are strictly meant for Family matters, & I do not suggest to try it out with any stranger/s.”
Because – Its like, the same venom, that can be used to prepare a treatment for the patient is sufficient enough to making him die. Please always keep your intelligence turned ON.
Coolblogger : I would really not like to comment on what you have said. You haven’t even read the post properly and are just passing negative comments. Please do not stereotype MILs and DILs. All the Indian MIL’s are not cruel and do not have an agenda to destroy their DIL’s life and vice versa. Anyways I will not waste my energy in justifying myself. Thank you for your inputs, even though I do not appriciate a lot of things you have said, I am glad to hear your thoughts. Take care.
DG : Thank you once again for being so encouraging and motivating. After reading your posts yesterday I had a very good chat with my Mom and we have decided to deal with this issue in a very positive and practical manner:
1) My parents will soon move out from there and let them be. After my parents move out my mother will try to keep very minimum contact with them and not interfere in anything they do.
2) I have encouraged my mother to join some NGO as a volunteer to chanalise her energy in doing something positive. This will also ensure she steps out of the house often and meet new people and be independent.
3) We are completely going to stop discussing my SIL and only talk about other things which are relevant.
Hopefully once we change our attitude things will change for the better.
Thank you once again for your kind words and help.
PS: yes I am the same person who wrote on your blog.
@Avi,
Sorry you are feeling put on a line but there is definitely something that gives out you are trying to control another person’s life. Like you said, …Divorce is not an option as she is having a baby now…
Whose prerogative should it be to talk divorce. You/MIL or your brother.
It is between the couple. The key is to know what you can change and what you cannot. Over years I have learned only two things: I am one person I can control and change none other. Each one of us co-creates our reality. The more I dwell on negative the more I co create it.
Those are good goals. write them and then set a date when you’ll initiate the move towards these goals. Have a plan ready it helps to know what you’ll be doing next.
Good Luck,
Peace,
desi Girl
@Desigirl – You hit rite on spot. I really love your neutral minded comment and suggestions.I understand the drama queen part and I agree. If you ask me to walk in SIL shoes- when I am humiliated by my own husband where he forcefully asks me to apologise – a grownup woman who is the mother of his children, to apologise for something which I dont feel rite, when elderly person is waiting with victory grin for my apology and I have no one else in my side [ I maybe overplaying here
] I am not sure I may call 911 
And things which didnt click with me are – MIL calling the bride’s mom and complaining and having pity party everyday with daughter who is living miles away in phone and one other sad story that she was tortured by her SILs in her times and carry a readymade excuse for every single thing, while holding a clean slate and Teresa heart – too shallow.
@Avi
I have nothing personal against you. When you want solution for something , it is better to find the root cause and fix that , rather than bashing and crushing the person who caused a damage – and here she may say you and your mom and you soley put whole blame on her.
Read your comments after Desigirls patient insight suggestions, who havent admitted a single act as your mistake . So , this will go on infinite loop or result in deadlock.
However I appreciate the steps you had taken to stay away from trouble , it is pretty good to engage in NGO and volunteer activites – an idle mind is devil’s workshop.
Good luck!
@coolblogger,
Yes, just for this reason where one adult coerces an appology from another adult on behalf of another adult DG suggests wait an look around if they really are adults or 5th graders. Have been there and done enough I am sorry game. Even when you genuinely say sorry it is treated as fake so what good is that appology. When people go an ego trips or just live by their egos they get those victory grins. Isn’t it a pity that is all they have about there lives, no ambition no drive just fight like gladiators over something do not even own. You can call 911 but there will be no action. just on the pretext of apology drama. To press emotional abuse charges one will have to go through a NGO and provide documentation of continued abuse not one incident.
Calling DIL’s parents is usually a last resort. When a person fails to fall in line after repeated requests it is assumed may be they’ll respond to their blood relatives coz’ they have more influence on him/her. This is traditional wisdom. But it is dysfunctional in these times. Adults should be able to solve differences like adults and humans by talking not beating (verbally, emotionally, economically or physically) the differences out of another person.
At times I feel desi never grow up, they remain those 5th graders who will return a cuss word with another cuss word.
The whole culture is based on bullying. Representatives of God are bullying the devotees in God’s name and devotees are further bullying each other to prove whose prayers are answered. Husband yells at wife. Wife wrings child’s ear, the child kicks the dog. The dog bites the neighbor and neighbor comes to fight. We are a big unhappy family that is teaching the west how to be happy 
. Some ashrams are in Rishikesh are soley occupied by these westners 
.
Please no name calling… “Teresa heart” Let us maintain the dignity of this forum. Person has to take responsibility of their own behavior. Mother daughter bond is special and once the daughter is married it further stregthens. Though a daughter can do nothing for her mother other than listen to her coz’ she is married and is dependent on the marital family. This listening is what a troubled soul needs. Ideally it should be for the people who have direct conflict to resolve it but we desi have this big burden called “log kya kahenge” faceless strangers and then there is lack of concept of personal boundaries. The problem arises when married daughters start bullying in the lives of natal family. To suggest solution is good but to cox it is problematic.
If I were in @Avi’s situation, I’ll feel for my parents and brother. Even I may go around seeking help because my mother has no skills to deal with bullies. Conflict scares her so much that she just gives in and then after few days will say “I could have said X.” Great, you can’t go back and correct it and if you save it for future her tormentor will have something else ready so her great plan falls flat
. The issue is how to solve the problem as adults with least collateral damage. That is what Avi is trying to do by putting it out in this forum. What began as an impersonal attempt to say that there is reverse generational abuse too in our desi lives turned out a problem solving effort.
Some where in comments I read “it takes two hands to clap.” I would like to tell them most folk idoms are falling flat in this day and age. You can keep your hand to your self but one who dwells in conflict will make sure to come and bang in it.
Been there done that. His mother was throwing a tantrum after 3 yrs of our marriage that my parents did not spend enough on the wedding. I was baffled and did not know what to say. He stepped in and said it was back then and we can’t do anything at this time. MIL began cursing me that I instigated him into talking back to her. I stood silent and bemused at their yelling and screaming holding my pregnant belly. They’ll find ways to engage…
@Avi,
DG is impressed the serenity prayer is already in motion.
You’ll be fine, when lost use serenity prayer as a compas.
Peace,
Desi Girl
@Avi Ji:
“When your own family members are not able to… then why do you expect some favorable (or your heart warming) answer from strangers, Did you realize the new strategy opted by DG.. To so called “Confidently” reclaim her superiority over all the relationship matters??
It works like..
1st support the “subject” then make it fall.. and reclaim the Superiority of “whatever” above everyone..”
Let me guess..
DG & CB are close friends.. one starts to support you and one stand against you so that you can not figure out the CON set up.
then… when one of them gains confidence in you… precisely.. the same time the same “one” throws you out of the chair.. and reclaim.. superiority..
It is an internal ego (involuntary part of brain), that makes people behave like this.. when they are not able to gain in real life… they tend to reclaim there Apex position by playing such CONs..
Later on, they, rather than feeling your pain, and supporting you (as expected by you) freak you out, make fun.. and enjoy the jeopardies of people like you me or.. it can be anyone.. till the time they have an appetite for it.
else… why they never tuned into a “repair the damage” mode?
Its there feed for their sub-conscious part of brain.
You can refer to human thinking process on the web..
TBG Dear, I am not fighting with anyone, I respectfully regret if any of my words have harmed emotions of anyone of your friends, but this is a possibility, a view worth sharing.
People have the right to know. thats all..
I am just informative, I am not fighting.
Thankyou. Good day!
DG,
I have cried reading your last post. Thank you for understanding what I am going through. Thank you for understanding that I came to this blog as a last resort.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Thank you for making me beleive that me and my mother are not as manipulative bitches whose sole purpose is to destroy the DIL’s happiness. Thank you for giving me the guidance to go through this and help my family.
As you said once a girl is married all she can do is listen to her parents. I cannot interfere and I cannot intervene but yes I can listen to my mother and I can offer her the emotional support that she needs to live a better life.
I have actually given the prayer to my mother and we have promised that we will not let any negative thoughts effect us and work together to be happy.
Thanks DG
Abhishek : Thank you for your insight. I agree that I cannot find answers from strangers need to look into my own heart and get a solution.
I appriciate everything that Coolblogger and DG have said. It is their opinion and they have the right to say what they want. It is only the person who suffers, knows what suffering is.
Thanks
Your welcome Avi, I am at public service..
am aware.. its the one who suffers knows all about it…
All the best to you too.. and look you have discovered 2 new friends in CB and DG…
Good Day!
Is this a forum to judge if the MIL is right or DIL or SIL or husband?
Look blame goes to all for failing to take control and establish peace and harmony back in a family. Gosh this is nothing short of Mahabharata.
There is an urgent need for us (me included) to understand that it is not the MIL at fault in every occasion much to the chagrin of those who get some twisted please in projecting MIL as the evil incarnate, conversely the DIL too cannot be blamed at every occasion. Granted someone has to initiate something in every household, it could go to either of them MIL or DIL.
Admittedly MIL fears losing control methodically built over a period of time, also in support of DIL the trauma of leaving a sheltered and loving paradise to enter a new household does not necessarily equip her with necessary skills to ward of unwanted glares/questions or build the knack of using her wit to come out of situations which have the potential to turn ugly. She is understandably, insecure and looks for warmth and acceptance. It is precisely at this juncture when there is a need for “the husband” to step in since he needs to quickly make amends to the two of the most influential women in his life. One who was part of his past and the other who is going to be a part of his future. If he protects his mother, he has a moral obligation to protect the mother of his would-be kids. How can anyone fail to see this?
Now, comes the twist in the story, who gives in? Who should accomodate and adjust? This debate, even with the bestest effort (pardon me but the word is invented as the punch is necessary) will continue even as we leave our thoughts on this blog. If it were as simple as you & I debating, we wouldn’t be here in the first place arguing about who is right or who wrong.
I often wonder why the tug of war b/w MIL & DIL so prominent in Indian society. Is it because of the close proximity and the dominating MIL or the independent DIL wanting their 15 secs to fame? The win in either case is nauseating as it is just instrumental in destroying the harmony. Power imbalance may cause the weaker of the two to be subjected to anything ranging from nagging to verbal abuse to absolute mental/physical torture. The whole thing is so depressing.
Agreed in most cases it is the dominating MIL torturing a suppressed bahu but you have to agree that in todays time and urban lifestyle the not-so-timid bahu’s are rebellious to whatever extent. I have seen MILs living in complete isolation, often neglected by their very sons immediately after marriage and vice-versa the nitpicking MIL on docile DILs.
This saas-bahu saga needs to be given a friendly twist to maintain sanity and sanctity of what can be nurtured to be a loving family. If the adage – distance makes the hearts grow fonder- is any true go in for a trial separation and perhaps the sometimes meeting MIL & DIL will learn to stop throwing daggers at each other.
In the end – family isn’t about whose blood you have; i’ts about who you care about. After all charity begins @ home. No success can compensate for failure at home.
** Peace to all ye good people **
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@ Avi – I have not received this email, I hope it was sent to the correct email address – indianhomemaker[at]gmail[dot]com?
I generally agree with Desi Girl and coolblogger.
I hope you are able to support your mother Avi, daughters have as much right and responsibility to care for their parents as sons. Your brother, even if he does understand, doesn’t seem to be able to (or want to) do much. Also, since he is away from home a lot, it’s his wife who lives with your parents. There is too much unpleasantness in the relationship between the dil and mil here, so much bitterness is unlikely to end in a happy joint family life. While, on the other hand, you might even like living with your parents and it could become mutual support and companionship for you both.
Also your brother seems to have no problems with his wife, and now they are expecting a baby too, it would probably be better for everybody if they are left alone.
Your mother (and father) would benefit from this, though I agree they might find it difficult to accept that they can live with their daughter, but all the discomfort of living with their daughter, would not be as uncomfortable as the unhappiness of living with a dil who might again attempt to slit her wrists or worse.